By all appearances life was looking almost picture perfect. We had just had our fourth healthy baby boy (May 2014). Finally I had felt God's release from my work and my husband's blessing to navigate being a full time, stay-at-home mom. I felt so deeply called to begin homeschooling "officially" now that we also had a kindergartner. Life was moving along and though it wasn't perfect, maybe even a little harder than I expected, we were doing it. In November of 2014 I began to feel a nagging headache- a constant pressure in my head. I contributed it to sinus pressure and vowed to my mom that I would get it checked out if it wasn't gone in the next couple of weeks.
Well, it didn't leave, so I started what would be the first of many doctors visits accompanied with just as many disappointments. This is when I truly began to understand that practicing medicine is truly a practice. God has made each of our bodies so infinitely unique. This is beautiful but can also be frustrating since no one thing works for everyone. Compound this with my symptoms being unique, even a little odd, and a lot of guesswork began to take place. (At this point I had not only had the head pain but also intense ear and jaw pain as well as pain moving into the back of my skull.) Looking back I know that most of my caregivers had my best interest at heart and were just doing the best with the knowledge they possessed. Even with these best interests I was getting no where fast and the pain in my head was constant. There was nothing I could do or take to get it to go away. It was my constant "friend." It was there when I woke up in the morning, a constant companion throughout my day and it always made itself known even more when my frustration with my boys was heightened. When I went to bed, it went with me and when I woke in the middle of the night it was the first thing that greeted me. The thing about my headache was that I didn't have to stay in the dark or I didn't see stars as so many do, it was that I had no reprieve. There was no rock I could hide under to escape this ever tightening grip on my head. I remember reading that if you experienced more than fifteen headaches per month you were considered chronic. Where did everyday fit in, every moment? What was that considered?
Besides all of the physical pain, my emotions and spiritual walk with the Lord were spiraling out of control. Of course, when all this began I ran to him for comfort and and for answers and in return I felt like I received silence. Where was He? Is this how you treat someone you profess to love? I am by far not a perfect parent but even I try to help my kids when they are crying out in pain. I wasn't just crying, I was desperate and yet I still experienced silence. I felt anger towards Him, intense anger, and then the next moment I would express sorrow to Him for doubting Him when things got hard. I would wonder "Is this the kind of Christian I am? I am only committed when things aren't hard?" I was afraid too. Afraid of the unknown. I was fearful that this was the beginning of the end and God had only planned to give me 30 some years of life. Had I lived it well? I certainly wasn't now. And what about my boys? Would they know I loved them if this was the end? I couldn't imagine my boys without me and would my husband feel the pain of losing me? How would he handle our boys, our home, his work? Could he keep up with all of it? Then I would have the fear of what if I lived and this never went away. Was this my thorn in the flesh as Paul had in the New Testament? And if so I wasn't sure I was strong enough to bear it.
I questioned my calling. Maybe if I hadn't quit my job and started homeschooling this wouldn't have happened. Everyone questioned me about stress. I would think to myself "Of course I am stressed but who wouldn't be with this constant pain?!" Deep down I wondered if I had put myself into this mess and bit off more than I could chew. I would compare myself to other women and wonder how they could handle families far bigger than mine and they seemed to be doing fine. Thus self doubt and frustration entered into my already overwhelming situation.
There would be times that I was all consumed with finding my healing. Every spare moment was spent googling my symptoms. On paper and with blood work I appeared to be healthy but if that was true then why did I feel so bad all of the time? It wasn't until later in the process that I realized how exhausted and depleted my body felt and that it wasn't solely my head that was the problem. Yet still there were no answers.....