I knew that there was something in my body that was not right but why was it that no one could help? Why did no one have the expertise on this? Was God angry with me? Is this the manifestation of a spiritual issue? Was God really capable of changing anything? Had I believed lies since childhood? I knew believing this would only lead me into bitterness but how much more could I take? I was disappointed in Him, in life, in my inability to change. I felt like a victim in my own body. I was unable to control it and was never sure how I would feel when I woke up in the morning. Would this be a mediocre day where I could engage with the boys or would it be one where I just got by, desperate for the evening when my husband got home.
As if these emotions were not hard enough, I then entered into a darkness I never thought I would experience. Thoughts would creep into my mind that this life really wasn't worth it. I never wanted to take my life or thought it was a right choice but there were times I just wasn't sure how I could go on. I truly felt like my kids would be better off without a mom who was in pain all the time, snapping at them and being short tempered. I felt like my husband would be better off because he wouldn't always be picking up my slack and listening to me cry and question "Where is God?!" The enemy so turned this around in my head enticing me to believe I would be doing this for them, the ones I loved most. I knew this was an unhealthy place to dwell and so on one of my better days I started writing down my reasons to live. This helped me to get my thinking right. It gave me something to look back on knowing that when it was written I was in a sound mind. I really believe that list was a part of saving my life. It gave me truth in the midst of so much confusion and unclear thinking.
I must say that during these years it wasn't as if there was never a good moment or a smile, it was just that they were tainted by a fog that hung over me. In fact every so often I would have a good day and think "Wow, this is who I was meant to be- the mom I want my kids to have and the the wife my husband deserves." But, as quickly and unexpected as those days came they would leave and I would be grateful for them but always left wanting more.
In the midst of all these emotions I was searching for answers on my own and through the next doctor. One doctor in particular told me that if mother nature was going to get me she would have already gotten me by now. That was strangely comforting though not the most encouraging. I had crazy things suggested to me and I tried things I never thought I would try. In my quest for wholeness almost anything became an option. We have spent so much money on doctors, the gas to get to those appointments, prescriptions and supplements that I have lost track.
Even through the depression of this chronic pain, God truly was at work. One of my biggest fears was that I would get to the end of this journey and not be able to see Him at all. I felt as if I asked Him over and over to intervene and over and over I was met with silence. So often through life's troubles you can't see the forest for the trees and this was true for me too. It was easier to lose focus and get off track than to keep the faith. I remember one of those days so well. It was Oct 13, 2015. I call this "my line in the sand day." I was so frustrated with God-angry beyond words with him and giving him the silent treatment. I was saying all the right things to my kids during our Bible time, "God is good and loving" but in my own mind those comments were being retorted with entirely different comments. My youngest had a blow out in his diaper and as I put him in the tub with my eyes stinging with tears, a realization came over me. I realized that day I had to make a choice. I was either going to walk away and say He wasn't worth my time or I was going to stay committed to Him even though I was still frustrated and hurting. I was going to choose to believe that good was going to come out of this. With my elbows deep in poop, God spoke to my heart and said at the end of journeys like this there would be two kinds of people: 1) ones that looked back and said "I quit. I gave up on God instead of staying faithful. When things got hard and He didn't seem to be moving, I walked away." Or 2) Those people who stuck it out. They are the ones who say "I didn't understand why He didn't step in when I asked but I stayed committed, believing against doubt and relying on who God has been to me in the past. I stayed true even when it was hard and it would have been easier to walk away."
That day I drew my line in the sand. I claimed God's goodness, righteousness and perfect timing. I didn't want to look back saying "Please forgive me Lord for not trusting" but instead "I knew you would come through in your perfect timing." Nothing in my symptoms changed after that day but my attitude did. It was a day that I will never forget. I needed that kind of raw commitment to look back on with conviction for the days ahead.