The Lord began to show me other things as well. So often I felt alone but He would reach out to me through the people he had placed in my life. The only way they could love me as they did was because He was loving me through them. He gave me people who understood the struggles of health and and so many unanswered questions. They offered to take my kids to give me a break. One even showed up at my house to give me a massage. No, God was not absent, He was physically touching me even when I felt like he had left me alone. It became very clear that my "Reasons to Live" list (mentioned previously) was really a prompting from Him. He sometimes works so quietly that we don't even recognize it is the Lord. Yet even in our ignorance and our failure to give him the recognition he deserves, He keeps working.
I have come to understand the struggles of those who live with chronic pain. Though I would never say I understand what they are physically feeling, I can emotionally identify with these silent sufferers. I count this as a gift I can give to others-the gift of understanding.
Our relationship with the Lord is an ebb and flow, it is alive and organic-not robotic. My heart's cry has always been that my walk with the Lord would be alive and real-not stiff and boring. I know if my boys are to follow Him, they need to see this lived out. Even though this kind of living isn't always pretty, we are in the midst of living real life in front of them. I used to fear how they would be affected when their constant bedtime prayer for mommy's head went on for so long without being answered. Would it make them doubt God's ability or His realness? Now, though, it becomes a discussion on why would God not heal me when he says in John 15:7 "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you." We get to talk about how sometimes not answering prayer in the way we ask is the most merciful thing God can do. It doesn't mean He doesn't love us it just means He sees all and knows all and has plans we can only begin to imagine.
This journey has birth in me new desires. Desires for health and wholeness and natural things. It has caused a yearning in me to take care of myself in a way I never have before. This is the only body I get and I want to treat it well. It has caused me to also mentally and spiritually take care of myself. Whether that be going away by myself to recharge or staying consistent with my time with the Lord. All of these things have been important along this path.
I need to say that I am still on my journey. At the time of this writing it has been three and a half years and I have not found healing. I still struggle daily with headaches although the intensity of the pain has let up. Fatigue is also an ever present part of most days. I have good days and hard days. That is just a fact. I have seen medical doctors, chiropractors and naturalists. Most of them have had their benefits but as of yet none have helped me to find a state of complete wholeness. I have totally changed the way I eat and I contribute that to so much of my healing. Though I long to be free of this pain, I long more for a thriving life. A life that flourishes no matter what comes my way. This blog is my effort and accountability to do that and encourage my readers to do the same. We can thrive even in the midst of life's chaos!