The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice. - Peggy O'Mara
I will be the first to tell you that my boys tune me out. I get caught up in always correcting and always lecturing that what I say it just received with a glazed over look. I really believe that when I talk my boys hear the same sounds from the old Peanuts cartoons "Wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha." I am not proud of this but for some reason it is my fall back. It takes effort to get outside of this and discipline them differently. Can anyone relate?!
I had been noticing some character issues lately in my boys that needed to be addressed. I tried the lecturing tactic (to no avail) and wondered what in the world I could do to get to them. Thankfully the Lord got a hold of me and challenged me to treat this differently then my normal response of a rant and rave that always lasts about five minutes too long! They have become completely enthralled with Bear Grylls and his television series Man vs. Wild. He has earned the status of one of the coolest guys they "know." Since I knew that anything survival would get their attention, I made a purchase on Amazon for kids' paracord woven bracelets. It came with 10 bracelets of different colors. (My husband really wanted to make them ourselves but I just wasn't willing to wait....maybe that will be a summer project we can work on!) My intention with these bracelets was to give my guys something visible for them to see that would be a reminder to them. You know, similar to tying a string around your finger.
Here is what we did. I allowed each of the boys to choose a bracelet they liked. There were several colors in the pack so there was something to fit each of their unique tastes. Then I had a quick, non drawn out discussion with each of the boys. I explained to them the trait I had been seeing in them that was not reflecting Jesus and then quickly followed it up with a Bible verse that expressed the proper behavior. We talked about how each time they saw the bracelet it was a reminder to them to respond correctly. It also gave me an opportunity to just point to my wrist to help them remember their verse and gave them an opportunity to respond rightly. It was a neat moment for us to discuss these things when emotions weren't heightened and frustrations were not present. This made them so much more willing to receive what I had to say and each one of them left feeling encouraged and empowered. I left feeling thankful that I had tackled these issues without a lecture and instead gave them a tool to choose the right response in the future.
Here are the issues and verses that we talked through:
-Anger: We talked about how he needs to keep himself from getting to the place of loosing control. I encouraged him to see the early signs of his anger and do what it takes to not be destructive verbally (whether this be walking away or finding something different to do etc). (A few weeks earlier he had made himself a list and taped it to his wall of ideas of what to do when he feels this way.) Proverbs 29:11 was our theme verse "A fool gives full vent to his anger but a wise man keeps himself under control." (This was a verse we had memorized in the past so it was easy for him to commit it to mind again.)
-Kind Words: My boys, like all kids, can resort to name calling and just being plain ole mean with their words. We talked about how our words should bring life and be kind. Ephesians 4:29 NLT says "Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." We shortened this to just be a reminder that our words should be "good and helpful."
-Complaining/Arguing: I would lump whining into this mix as well. This lovely pattern of complaining every time something is asked of my boy has taken it's toll. We talked about the right response and chose Philippians 2:14 for our reminder verse, "Do everything without complaining or arguing." I think that sums it up rather well!
-Obedience: "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord." Colossians 3:20. I often tease (okay it really isn't a tease...it's truth) that this is my favorite verse. With this trait we talked about how it is important to obey the first time you are asked to do something. Obedience should be immediate as well....not whenever you get around to it. If there is a reason they can't obey immediately I encourage my boys to tell me why and then we can talk about whether it is a sufficient reason. For instance, "Mom, can I put the silverware away in a few minutes? Right now I am almost to the end of this book." This is our goal. I don't expect it to happen every time but I do expect us to be striving for this kind of response and quick obedience. I try to help my kids understand that if they obey Daddy and me now they will learn how to obey God quicker as they get older.
Instilling in my boys God's virtues brings me to a place where I know I am thriving. I love when I remember to take God's word and make it applicable to them in the situations they are facing. Anyway I can help them to hide His word in their heart is a win. I will periodically ask my three year old "What should our words be like?" He responds with "good and truthful." Well it isn't exactly Ephesians 4:29 but I will take it!